Island of misfit toys

So when my mom and mother in-law passed I collected a few of their shirts to keep in hopes to make memorial items out of them for my children to have.  I located a youtube video on how to make memory bears.  Searched the fabric/craft stores and was unable to locate the pattern this gal was using.  Found it on ebay and purchased it.  Once it arrived I started with my goal of making a "sample" bear.  I had already purchased some fabric to practice on.  I traced the pattern on some plastic like the gal suggested to save the pattern since the plan was to make more than one.  No problem so far! I ironed on the interfacing to the fabric and couldn't understand why it wasn't adhering to the fabric.  After a few tries I learned that I needed my iron set on steam.  Awesome, now it is adhering and away I go. Went to iron it on the ears and went to lift up the ears and the interfacing was ironed onto the ironing board.  Okay, lesson learned.  The little bumps on the interfacing go towards the fabric.  Traced the pattern onto the fabric, cut it out and now I am ready for step one.   Yadda!!  I only got to step 2 and was already lost! I did not understand what I was suppose to do!  I tried multiple things and each time required ripping it out and starting over.  After a whole afternoon of trying I resorted to the youtube video.  WOW!  Within an couple hours I had a bear sewn together.  Well kinda. Once it was finished and I was putting it it inside right I realized the head was sewn on inside out.  Thinking to myself, easy job, just cut off the head and put in the head the right way and resew.  Did this and went to turn it in side right and boom!  Ears fell off.  Forgot when I cut the head off to resew, the wars were no longer sewn on to the head.  Oh well, I have the jest of this.  I now venture to making one for real.  I get the shirt/night shirt of mom's ready, iron on the interfacing, trace the pattern out, cut and sewed along with the gal on the youtube video. Within a couple hours I had my first memory bear completed.  Mom would be so proud!!!  It isn't perfect.  The buttons for the eyes and the ears are from my mother in-laws shirts and the rest of the bear is from my mom's night shirt.  The seam in the front is not lined up with the head seam and his nose is a bit off.  I shared the pictures with a friend and she said it reminded her of the toys on the Island of misfits.  I chuckled and agree.  I also think to myself that if I was able to show mom it, she would love it so much that she would want it because it is my first one and it means something to me.  She was always proud of anything I have accomplished.  Even if everything wasn't lined up just so.  I did it and that was all that mattered to her.  
I think I'm keeping this one and I am going to enjoy it just as my mom would have.  

Just beginning to stuff it

The finished project 

Bedtime routines

What is your bedtime routine? 

I remember when my kids were little my nightly routine consisted of picking up the house after I got them to sleep, then watching a movie and falling asleep before prior to the end.  Once I woke up after the movie I would head to bed and on my way there I would see something that I should do before I get to bed, like maybe get something ready for the next day, putting away the dishes that I washed after supper, folding the load of laundry I had just put int eh dryer, and so on.  I would then get my teeth brushed and hop into bed.  

Being older now and not having the old routine of having little kids to be responsible for I now can decide to head to bed and only make one trip to the bathroom, brush my teeth and go to bed.  I find myself not worrying about the few dishes in the sink over night or the load of laundry sitting in the basket waiting to get folded now.  It can wait until tomorrow.  I try not to worry about the little things in life anymore.  Life is to short and realistically, does it really matter that things wait until the next day?  I didn't think so.  

Ornaments and their part of healing

This year while decorating the tree and decorating the house I found memories come flooding in with each ornament that was placed or something that was put out for decoration.  The singing Santa and Mrs Clause that a daughter of one of my former patients gave me for my grandchildren to enjoy as much as she did. The Santa that mom said I could have after Mrs Clause broke. The angels and baby Jesus that were Grandma Dorothy’s and the Hummel ornaments Grandma Dorothy gave me for each child. The felt ornaments that were from Grandma and Grandpa’s tree. Ornaments that were a tradition of Dan’s mom as a gift each Christmas as well as the ornament that Dan’s mom gave us that is a handmade ornament with Dan’s grade school picture. The many ornaments that my godmother had given me over the years. Ones that Dan’s aunt made, ones that were either my mom’s or Dan’s mom’s. In the years past when we would use these ornaments we would put them up and just make a quick comment like “oh this was from ...”.  This year was different.  It was more like “oh this use to be one of Dan’s mom’s” or I remember these on Gram’s tree. Maybe, just maybe decorating the house and tree this year was meant to help with my grief this season. 

Answered Prayers

I am a firm believer that there is power in prayer.  For me, I don't have specific prayers that I say, I simply just talk to him.  I talk a lot and more so lately after mom died. This past weekend was a bit challenging. One of my children is having a tough time grieving his many losses that have occurred the last few months.  The special days/holidays make it even tougher.  He shared with me that he wasn't looking forward to his birthday as he knew he wouldn't be getting a phone call that he always would receive.  Grandma calling, wishing him a happy birthday.  

One evening this past weekend one of my patients family members felt I was just "off" a bit and asked if I was okay.  I answered yes, "I'm good" (my answer all the time). I just said I'm just concerned for my son as he is having a tough day with his grieving.  
Talking with said son the morning after his birthday he stated he had a dream. A dream that I would never guess what it was about.  He shared with me that it was a dream of Grandma walking up to him saying "I'm sorry" and walking away.  I told him that every time that I would talk to my mom and if I would share something that someone in the family was going through, she would say "I'm sorry you have to go through that" or "I'm sorry he has to deal with that" things like that.  I told him that she was probably coming into your dream saying she is sorry that you have to deal with her dying or that she is sorry she couldn't be here for your birthday. I am hoping that this gives him a little comfort and helps his grieving not be so hard to cope with.   

While tucking in one of my patients tonight and talking to his daughter, she asked how my son was doing.  I told her about his dream and about his birthday and such and that I think that was a little answer from God, answering my prayers.  She shared with me that they have been praying for him as well when they do devotion before bed. 

Yes, it was just a dream, but I believe it was prayers being answered at the perfect time.  

I love how God answers prayers.  

Thank you God !  

The journey of grieving~ Gift Card

I have worked more than half of my working career in hospice and being with dying patients at the end of their journey here on earth. I find it an honor to be with them when they pass.  Kind of morbid I know, but I love being with patients at that time in their lives.  There is something about people at that time.  They are more open, willing to share themselves with you and chat about the important things in life.  
The thing that I have learned working in hospice, okay at least one thing, is that it SUCKS being on the family end of losing a loved one.  I love and would much rather be on the working side of death. 

It has been 5 months since my aunt/godmother's passing.  It has been 3 months since my mother in-law passed and two weeks since my mom died.  Yes, only two weeks!  It seems like a lifetime!
Something that I have learned in the last few days is this: Do not give a grieving person a gift card.  Sounds silly I know.  Some co-workers of mine gave me a card with a gift card to Steins in it.  Awesome gesture.  I work with some amazing people.  While being off on bereavement leave I know I didn't have to worry about my hours being covered.  Many of them stepped up to get them covered.  Love them all!  
The other evening I thought I would run to Steins and see what I could find.  First mistake!  I use to go there often and could always find something to buy.  I hadn't been there for sometime. I walked through the store seeing what caught my eye that I would like to get with the awesome gift card I was given after my mom died.  I couldn't find anything that caught my eye.  Then I thought that I would try finding something that would remind me of mom or something that would be significant between her and myself or whatever.  I started tearing up in the store.  I couldn't find anything!  I couldn't believe NOTHING in that store!  Even with mom's favorite holiday being Christmas I couldn't find anything that dealt with Christmas that I wanted to get.  I ended up leaving with my gift card unspent and feeling defeated.  I got home and Dan asked what I found.  Wrong question!  Started crying!  I couldn't stop.  "I couldn't find anything! I couldn't find anything that would be meaningful to me that would make me think of mom or that would have some kind of meaning with it." I told Dan.  I tried to contain myself and thought enough is enough. Quit crying for petesakes! It is only a freakin gift card!  Dan wanted to console me (gotta love him), but I just wanted to breath and stop crying.  I told him if I let him console me I would cry even more which I couldn't have.  I know crying is good for us and I need to cry. I need to grieve.  I just don't want to!  I want to ignore it and not feel it.  
The first week after mom's surprising death our focus was to get her apartment cleaned up and get her funeral all set.  Mission accomplished!  Second week was getting back to reality in my own life. Back to work after having almost a week and half to two weeks off, getting the house back in order after so many of us in and out the last week as well as accumulating some of mom's stuff.  
This past week had some of the most normal routine days that I have had since mom's death. Did it finally catch up with me and was it just a coincidence that it happened when I was at Steins? After all she loved Christmas, they had all their Christmas stuff up, she loved flowers and gardening, they had flowers and gardening stuff.  One will never know. I just know it happened and it left me in a funk for a couple days.  Then it didn't help that when I went into work on that second bad day (working 6p-6a) I come in to find out that one of my favorite patients unexpectedly died!  Yes, she was on hospice but she didn't die from her hospice diagnosis.  They felt it was cardiac.  Her and I had many talks about death and I knew she was praying that she would go fast when it came her time.  She went fast alright! In mid-sentence...Boom!....Dead!
She was like our own little grandma here on the unit.  So heart broken.  This fueled my grieving. I don't feel as sad as I had the day of my Stein visit and the day after but I still miss her and if something makes me think of her to long, tears do come.  I don't like grieving.  It makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that at all.  We will see where the next few weeks take me in the grieving process.  
Until next time
~T~

Fall and death

Someone shared a comedy snip-it that Jim Gaffigan did about fall on my facebook page.  Even though it was placed there for a tease as he knows how much I love fall.  The comedian goes on about how the leaves and fall being their death. It is actually funny.  I think it might be why I love hospice so much.  Death can be such a beautiful thing just as beautiful as the leaves are when they change colors.  When I see the glorious colors I think how amazing God is with his pallet of colors. Just as the journey of death when a person transitions from this life to heaven.  It is amazing to be part of as I watch. Thanks Roger for sharing the video.  Someday you might enjoy fall just as much as I do. 

You can find the video here if you want a chuckle.....
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5g5iTiNask