Ornaments and their part of healing

This year while decorating the tree and decorating the house I found memories come flooding in with each ornament that was placed or something that was put out for decoration.  The singing Santa and Mrs Clause that a daughter of one of my former patients gave me for my grandchildren to enjoy as much as she did. The Santa that mom said I could have after Mrs Clause broke. The angels and baby Jesus that were Grandma Dorothy’s and the Hummel ornaments Grandma Dorothy gave me for each child. The felt ornaments that were from Grandma and Grandpa’s tree. Ornaments that were a tradition of Dan’s mom as a gift each Christmas as well as the ornament that Dan’s mom gave us that is a handmade ornament with Dan’s grade school picture. The many ornaments that my godmother had given me over the years. Ones that Dan’s aunt made, ones that were either my mom’s or Dan’s mom’s. In the years past when we would use these ornaments we would put them up and just make a quick comment like “oh this was from ...”.  This year was different.  It was more like “oh this use to be one of Dan’s mom’s” or I remember these on Gram’s tree. Maybe, just maybe decorating the house and tree this year was meant to help with my grief this season. 

Answered Prayers

I am a firm believer that there is power in prayer.  For me, I don't have specific prayers that I say, I simply just talk to him.  I talk a lot and more so lately after mom died. This past weekend was a bit challenging. One of my children is having a tough time grieving his many losses that have occurred the last few months.  The special days/holidays make it even tougher.  He shared with me that he wasn't looking forward to his birthday as he knew he wouldn't be getting a phone call that he always would receive.  Grandma calling, wishing him a happy birthday.  

One evening this past weekend one of my patients family members felt I was just "off" a bit and asked if I was okay.  I answered yes, "I'm good" (my answer all the time). I just said I'm just concerned for my son as he is having a tough day with his grieving.  
Talking with said son the morning after his birthday he stated he had a dream. A dream that I would never guess what it was about.  He shared with me that it was a dream of Grandma walking up to him saying "I'm sorry" and walking away.  I told him that every time that I would talk to my mom and if I would share something that someone in the family was going through, she would say "I'm sorry you have to go through that" or "I'm sorry he has to deal with that" things like that.  I told him that she was probably coming into your dream saying she is sorry that you have to deal with her dying or that she is sorry she couldn't be here for your birthday. I am hoping that this gives him a little comfort and helps his grieving not be so hard to cope with.   

While tucking in one of my patients tonight and talking to his daughter, she asked how my son was doing.  I told her about his dream and about his birthday and such and that I think that was a little answer from God, answering my prayers.  She shared with me that they have been praying for him as well when they do devotion before bed. 

Yes, it was just a dream, but I believe it was prayers being answered at the perfect time.  

I love how God answers prayers.  

Thank you God !  

The journey of grieving~ Gift Card

I have worked more than half of my working career in hospice and being with dying patients at the end of their journey here on earth. I find it an honor to be with them when they pass.  Kind of morbid I know, but I love being with patients at that time in their lives.  There is something about people at that time.  They are more open, willing to share themselves with you and chat about the important things in life.  
The thing that I have learned working in hospice, okay at least one thing, is that it SUCKS being on the family end of losing a loved one.  I love and would much rather be on the working side of death. 

It has been 5 months since my aunt/godmother's passing.  It has been 3 months since my mother in-law passed and two weeks since my mom died.  Yes, only two weeks!  It seems like a lifetime!
Something that I have learned in the last few days is this: Do not give a grieving person a gift card.  Sounds silly I know.  Some co-workers of mine gave me a card with a gift card to Steins in it.  Awesome gesture.  I work with some amazing people.  While being off on bereavement leave I know I didn't have to worry about my hours being covered.  Many of them stepped up to get them covered.  Love them all!  
The other evening I thought I would run to Steins and see what I could find.  First mistake!  I use to go there often and could always find something to buy.  I hadn't been there for sometime. I walked through the store seeing what caught my eye that I would like to get with the awesome gift card I was given after my mom died.  I couldn't find anything that caught my eye.  Then I thought that I would try finding something that would remind me of mom or something that would be significant between her and myself or whatever.  I started tearing up in the store.  I couldn't find anything!  I couldn't believe NOTHING in that store!  Even with mom's favorite holiday being Christmas I couldn't find anything that dealt with Christmas that I wanted to get.  I ended up leaving with my gift card unspent and feeling defeated.  I got home and Dan asked what I found.  Wrong question!  Started crying!  I couldn't stop.  "I couldn't find anything! I couldn't find anything that would be meaningful to me that would make me think of mom or that would have some kind of meaning with it." I told Dan.  I tried to contain myself and thought enough is enough. Quit crying for petesakes! It is only a freakin gift card!  Dan wanted to console me (gotta love him), but I just wanted to breath and stop crying.  I told him if I let him console me I would cry even more which I couldn't have.  I know crying is good for us and I need to cry. I need to grieve.  I just don't want to!  I want to ignore it and not feel it.  
The first week after mom's surprising death our focus was to get her apartment cleaned up and get her funeral all set.  Mission accomplished!  Second week was getting back to reality in my own life. Back to work after having almost a week and half to two weeks off, getting the house back in order after so many of us in and out the last week as well as accumulating some of mom's stuff.  
This past week had some of the most normal routine days that I have had since mom's death. Did it finally catch up with me and was it just a coincidence that it happened when I was at Steins? After all she loved Christmas, they had all their Christmas stuff up, she loved flowers and gardening, they had flowers and gardening stuff.  One will never know. I just know it happened and it left me in a funk for a couple days.  Then it didn't help that when I went into work on that second bad day (working 6p-6a) I come in to find out that one of my favorite patients unexpectedly died!  Yes, she was on hospice but she didn't die from her hospice diagnosis.  They felt it was cardiac.  Her and I had many talks about death and I knew she was praying that she would go fast when it came her time.  She went fast alright! In mid-sentence...Boom!....Dead!
She was like our own little grandma here on the unit.  So heart broken.  This fueled my grieving. I don't feel as sad as I had the day of my Stein visit and the day after but I still miss her and if something makes me think of her to long, tears do come.  I don't like grieving.  It makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that at all.  We will see where the next few weeks take me in the grieving process.  
Until next time
~T~