Life and a Bag

I pulled into a parking stall the other day and saw a plastic bag stuck up in a tree.  Needless to say it was a very windy day.  As I saw that bag clinging to that branch in the windiest of winds it made me think about how much it had in common with life.  

Just as the wind pushes the bag to cling for its life, most people will hold onto their faith or on to hope for as long as they can as life pushes them through trials and tribulations.  For both when enough is enough the person and the bag will eventually let go and continue whatever journey it is meant to go on. Usually, I would hope make them stronger and/or give them more of an appreciation for life/things.    

G'Bye Mr Wilson

My friend "Mr Wilson" has peacefully passed away.  In the 14 years that I have been working in hospice I do not believe that I have actually cried with a patient like I did with Mr W the night prior to his passing.  I am usually good at not getting close to my patients. Let alone let them have a special spot in my heart.  The thing I think that was different with "Mr W" was that I learned alot from him, unlike any of my other patients.  I was truly able to help him at the end of his life and help him finish his journey here on life and continue forward.  

I don't know what he was like before his became ill.  Unfortunately that is the downfall of our profession and we only see people at their worst.  Mr Wilson as you have guessed is not his real name.  But to me, he will always be Mr Wilson in my memory bank.  When he had any encounters with staff he came across like a gruff old man that was crabby at the world.   When he in reality was a soft teddy bear that was a sweet man.  At least at this point in his life.  Even when he had his bad days he still showed/told you how much he appreciated all that you have done for him.  

"Mr W" had experienced alot of the stages that one would go through in their life when their bodies decline.  All the while being as honest and blunt with him (per his request) through all his questions.  Knowing that he wouldn't like my answers I stayed honest and straight forward with him. Things he didn't understand or that he was stressing about, I was able to help him and physically show him to help his mind be at ease.  When the change hit it was hard for him.  I think some of it, is that he kind of reminds me of Dan is some respects.  Especially towards the end. I can see Dan in "Mr W" with some of his comments and what he did in the end.  He apologized to his wife for letting her down.  He felt he was letting her down because he was dying and couldn't be here for her any longer.  He requested his children to all come so that he could say his own good byes to them one at a time. In the end after a special anniversary that him and his wife celebrated a couple weeks prior and a pizza party that his children and wife had in his room days prior to his passing he was at peace knowing that his family was going to be okay and he was able to let go and begin his next journey.  

"Mr W"....Thank you for teaching me that sometimes patients need us to have patience and explain and show them if we are able, things that they will be going through that they worry about. Just like us they worry about the unknown also.  

Thank you "Mrs W" for reminding me that I should think before my mouth opens.  I will always be honest and blunt with my patients but I need to think of how I put it when answering questions. 

Thank you both for reminding me that even though I work in hospice and I know what reality is when it comes to getting that terminal diagnosis, not all family members are all on the same page at the same time and do not want to even think of reality.  It is okay.  They will when they are ready (hopefully sooner than later).  

And thank you for reminding me why I absolutely love my job! 


"Mr W", May you rest in peace this night with a full heart.  


Good Bye Mr Wilson.....

Dennis :)  

Faith, Hope, Attitude

Walking out of a patient's room tonight, I can not imagine being a doctor and having to give a patient/family bad news. 

I have a patient. I will call him "Mr Wilson" as he reminds me of the Mr Wilson on Dennis the Mennis.  Comes across hard on the outside until he gets to know you and then soft on the inside. 

While on one of my roundings he asked me a question.  He asked me if I thought he would ever be able to live back at home.  He told me he wanted me to answer honestly (as he knows from encounters we have had in the past that that is the only way I roll).  Conversation went kind of like this:

Me: I think you know what that answer is but you want to hear it from me.

Mr Wilson: No

Me: Yes you do.

Mr Wilson: Do you? 

Me: I will only be totally honest with you if you do not give up hope. 
Mr Wilson agreed 

Me: In reality, no I do not think that you will be able to.  But that doesn't have to mean that you won't. 

Mr Wilson: :::Silence:::

Me: You had small goals that you wanted to acheive

Mr Wilson: I would like to be able to get back home

Me: Maybe your first small goal would be to make a day visit at home.  See how that goes.  (Asked him about his home and if there are steps and such and if his family live in the area and if he would be open to allowing them to help him as he is a very dignified gentleman)  How willing are you to accept help from your children and grandchildren? I know you are a very prideful man.  But are you willing?

Mr Wilson: I don't have much pride left

Me: I know it is tough on men when it comes to their pride and dignity.
 
Mr Wilson: There are a few that I would be comfortable with.  I could have my son make a ramp to get into the house. 

Me: You just have to know there is always that reality that you will probably not be able to move  back home, but you have that hope that you will.  Hope, attitude, and faith. 

Mr Wilson:  Not in that order

Me: No, Faith, Hope, Attitude

Mr Wilson: :::Shakes his head agreeing with a tear in his eyes::::

Me: Promise me that you will not lose faith or hope

Mr. Wilson: I promise

Walked out of his room with tears in my eyes thinking this was a minor thing being totally honest and blunt to a patient (which meant the world to him) that he will probably never be able to move back home like he so wants.  I can not even imagine what a Doctor feels like when he delivers bad news to a patient knowing there is no hope.

In the end of my shift I chuckle at how I can feel so lousy one minute walking out of a patient's room and feel so good walking out the next time. 

Do I love my job.....ABSOLUTELY! 


BTW...Mom and Dad....Mr Wilson said that you named me wrong.  Apparently to him you should have named me "Golden Ray" 
I think I will stick with Trisha :)











 

Change = yuck!

Thinking a bit lately.  About what you might be asking....Change.  What prevents us from changing? Walking out of our comfort zone? Trying new things with a fabulous goal at the end?  Some of my answers? Failure, disappointment, not being in control, or maybe the way others will judge/look at you.

As I have mentioned that Dan and I are in the 180 program at my work.  It is a program to help the employees become healthier and make better choices in their lives all together.  Kind of like a whole body package....meditation, yoga, nutrition, and mindfulness.  It started out great.  Class was twice a week for so many weeks, then go down to once a week and now we are done to once a month until April of next year.  I have learned alot about myself in this program.  Good and bad.  I am learning how to eat healthier and choose more wisely.  Still hate breakfast or having to make time to have a meal when I am in the middle of something or even having to plan.  I am NOT a planner.  This is my biggest obstacle.   I need to plan meals, grocery list, shopping, ect..

This is my huge goal to over come this month.  I am going to be a planner for a minimum of 3 days a week.  I am going to plan, I am going to plan, I am going to plan!!!! 

I have noticed that if I continue to eat three healthy meals a day and have some  healthy snacks I do lose weight and feel much better vs skipping meals.  I even sleep better! So say a pray for me to have the strength and determination and will power to achieve this goal.  Will keep you posted :)  

Once strong, now broken

Yesterday we completed our goodbyes to my grandpa at the cemetery as we reunited his ashes with the ashes of the love of his life. Ceremony was beautiful and ended even more phenomenal.  As we started heading out there was an eagle circling around us.  I believe this is a sign.  A sign of Grandpa being with us and looking over us.  I also think it was a sign to his children.  He was still doing the fatherly thing and trying to tell them something.  Even though parents are gone I believe that they are still able to watch from above.  They are beaming with pride like they no doubt did when they were alive or just shaking their heads asking themselves what the heck went wrong!?! and try to fix whatever it was.  Even if it meant pinching your ear while pulling you into the other room or just saying your name with disappointment. I believe Gram and Grandpa is doing the second of the two within the last few days.  As I observed the family after the ceremony and even during the inevitable split between them was obvious.  All were hurting and all needed that little extra hug or reassurance.  It wasn't given/there for the most part.  Everyone was distance, no one close for support.  The strength they all once had together was not there.  You might be able to say that the family circle is now broke.  I pray, oh how I pray, that within time healing will begin and with self reflection eyes will open and realize that materialistic things are not going to bring back our loved ones.  The materialistic things are just stuff.  If it meant something say it! If it is to just have then share so others can have a little something. It doesn't pay to argue. After all it is still in one family.  I guess I can't wrap my head around the fact that there was very little communication (in a positive way).  It would be all different if it truly had a meaning behind it that you simply had to have it.  I would think that if this was shared there would have been alot less bickering.  I could be wrong, I wasn't there and choose not to be there.  I refuse to allow myself to be subjected to that, as my last memory of the death of my grandpa. My memory of my grandpa will last forever in my heart being a very positive one.  I can still see his beaming smile and pride when my little buddy finally warmed up to him and gave him a hug on his own terms and with a very willing heart.  I am hoping the ones that are hurting now due to the arguing/words being said will be able to sit back and have a good memory beyond the passing of Grandpa.  Love yah Gramp! Happy 88th Birthday!  

Tomorrow is not promised

When they say that tomorrow isn't guaranteed, they knew what they were talking about. 
Last Sunday I got a call from my mom that my grandpa had fallen earlier in the day and that he was heading home and doing good. Within a couple hours later got another call saying that grandpa had died shortly after he had gotten home.  Needless to say our whole huge family was in total shock!  I think that we also surprised the police officers on how big our family is and how fast we can all get there.  One officer commented to me that we all must live relatively close since we all got there so fast.  Same one mentioned that he wouldn't think that anyone of us would have to worry about getting in a fight and not having anyone to help us. I chuckled and said "nope not at all!" and chuckled.  Obviously he has no clue what it was like to be one of the Kaufman boys.  Heck anyone that knew the Kaufman's knew to not even mess with one of the Kaufman girls because ummm.....they have brothers!  

Sunday and Monday was so unreal.  Felt like I was in someone else's life.  This can't be happening.  We are all going to wake up in the morning and it all be a horrible dream!  I experienced/learned three things within that first 24 hours.  1-I now know what it feels like to hyper ventilate. 2- One person can cry non-stop for a very long time! 3-I have one hell of a support system!  Specially my husband.  Without him I have no idea if I would have gotten through this, especially that first 24 hours.  

Life happens even when you are just in the motions. That sums up this past week.  I am so grateful for the job that I have and the co-workers that I have.  Not sure I carried my weight Monday and Tuesday night.  Glad we are small and are like a small little family.  Wednesday morning after sleeping a couple hours I woke up to a message and returned the phone call to one of my aunts asking to write something about the kind of person grandpa was for the obituary.  How can I say no.  To me that would have been kind of like a slap in his face.  It was an honor to say yes.  Then I hear "but I have to have it by 2:00".  Guess that doesn't mean back to sleep for me.  So sitting there I thought of all the things that all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and children have said in person or on facebook about grandpa.  This was easy!  Not only do I work better under pressure I didn't have to think while half asleep.  I just mixed it all together and poof there it was.  Off in an email.  That was done. Without a to many tears! Thank you to all of the family for helping me put it together!  
Grandpa was such an awesome man!  He is going to be so missed!!!! 

Kaufman, Joseph M.

Joseph M. Kaufman, Appleton, age 87, died Sunday July 6, 2014 at his home. He was born in Appleton on July 22, 1926 to the late Matthew and Lorraine (Dunsirn) Kaufman. Joseph married Vivian Fulcer on August 22, 1945. She preceded him in death on April 6, 2011 after 65 years of marriage. Joe was a mechanic at Schreiters Auto Supply for over 40 years, retiring in 1998. Following his retirement, he enjoyed woodworking, reading and playing Solitaire. Joe served in the U.S. Army during World War II and was a member of the Harvey PierreV.F.W. Post 2778, Appleton.

Joseph is survived by his children: JoAnn Koehnke, Ginna (Jack) Heegeman, Dave (Linda), Judy (Roger) Regeth, Mike, Ralph (Diane), Mary (Steve) Ready, Debbie Wilson, Greg (Kim), Dan (Laurie) and Ann (Ken) Hansen; 26 grandchildren: Trisha (Dan) Rawlings, Tim (Kimbre) Kiley, Katy (Tim) Schultz, John (Misie) Heegeman, Bob and Keith (Amy) Ristow, Corrina (Jake) McIntire, Christy Fristch, Amanda Christophersen, Chris (Henna) and Kory Hermes, Levi Ready, Jessie Dercks, Shannon (Jon) Calllies, Jimmi Hansen, Joe, Willy, Paul (Kellie), Denny, Toni, Mike Jr., Tommy, Ronnie, Dan (Allissa) and Shawn (Corrie) Kaufman; 55 great grandchildren; 6 great great grandchildren; siblings: Chuck (Lorraine) Kaufman and Margaret Seidling; sisters-in-law: Joyce Kaufman and Barbara Vandermuse. He is further survived by nieces, nephews, other relatives and friends. 

In addition to his parents and wife, Joseph was preceded in death by his sons-in-law: Bob Koehnke, Jim Koehnke and Steve Wilson; grandsons: Jamie, Troy and Billy; great granddaughter, Ally; brothers: Bob (LaVerne), Casey (Margaret) (Betty), Louie (Margaret) and Jack Kaufman; and brothers and sisters-in-law: Sissy Wolff, Angeline Shuckhart, Jerome, Ronnie, Tommy, Danny, Clifford and Gerald Fulcer.

Visitation will be held Thursday July 10, 2014 at ST. MARY PARISH (312 S. State St. Appleton) beginning at 9:00 a.m. until time of Mass at 10:30 a.m. The Rev. Bill Swichtenberg will officiate. Military rites conducted by the Harvey Pierre V.F.W. Post 2778 will immediately follow. Committal St. Mary Cemetery. To sign the guest book, please visit oconnellfh.com. In lieu of flowers, a memorial fund has been established. 

Written by Joe's granddaughter, Trisha: 

The world lost an amazing, most kind, and gentle soul that will be missed more than words can say. He loved so unconditionally that it shined right through his tender heart. Being a father and father figure to many you couldn't help but learn from him by the way he lived. You learned the true meaning of a work ethic by his hard and dedicated work. You learned to rely on your faith with his "this to shall pass" attitude. With the little pat that he gave you while giving you a hug, you knew he was proud of you. The thing that made him the happiest was his family and seeing them happy. He will be missed not only by his squirrel friends, but all that knew and loved him. 

"Keep it cool" Grandpa! ~With much love~


In between the family part of the funeral and before everyone started to arrive for the visitation my sister got all the siblings together for a group photo.  I am so glad she was able.  You never know when the next might be. 

All 11 of the Kaufman siblings. 

A new journey

At the beginning of May,  Dan and I have joined a program that my employer provides for employees and their spouses for free.  It is called "Lifestyle 180". This program is to help better ones self with all aspects of life from their lab results (cholesterol, blood pressure and so one), handling stress and other life choices or what they call it...being mindful, meditation, yoga and nutrition.  For the first few months we go twice a week then go to once a week to once a month.  The whole program goes to a minimum of a year. We are currently in our 5th week and we have learned alot!  Being mindful is probably one of the biggest things that stays at the front of your brain.  I will keep you posted on this journey that Dan and I have started on.  Our goal is to become healthier and make better choices to help us become less stressed, and become a little more pain free.  
Besides the mindfulness the other two things that I have learned is that my body is inflamed not due to my job or other reasons I thought but due to the foods that are in our everyday food choices.  I knew that I hurt from time to time but it was confirmed that I had some major inflammation.  Something that I never even thought of was the vitamins that ones body uses and for what reasons and such.  We I also learned that through the blood tests that they took I have no vitamin d in my system.  I am working on this and am hoping to see that the numbers are up at our 6 month lab work since the 6 week labs are to early to tell.   You will see more posts on the experiences of our journey.  Until next time.....
Peace out...
~T

Absolutely amazing!

Today Dan and I had to run out to Brillion to get some papers signed by our doctor for a program that we are both participating in.  On our drive I couldn't help but marvel at the trees and how much they have gotten so green/budded within the last week that we took the same trip. Even my hostas have grew about 6 inches in what seems like overnight. It just amazes me of the circle of life that involves just about everything and not just humans.  
God is absolutely amazing!!!  

No promise of tomorrow

It is amazing how one can take every day for granted.  Just assuming that you will be blessed with yet another tomorrow.  I for one and guilty of this.  You would think that after twelve plus years of working with hospice patients that I would remember this on a daily basis.  

February 7th at 4pm Dan had some chest pain and just thought it was anxiety as this is what he has been trying to overcome for the last couple years with this past year being the worst.  After it subsided about 2 in the morning he went to sleep.  Saturday was a normal day for us and then our daughter and son in-law took us out for supper in Green Bay.  On our way home Dan felt pain once again. Again chalking it up as an anxiety attack.  Once we got home he laid down in hopes for it to pass.  I suggested that I take his blood pressure which ended up being extremely high.  About 10 minutes later I took it again and it was much higher.  I told Dan that I think it would be a good time to go to the hospital.  

Once at the hospital they moved to find out if it was indeed a heart attack. Tests came out for the most part normal.  The only thing that caught the cardiologists eye was the enzymes were not where they should be and decided that he would do a cath.  Once that decision was made I was in awe!  The amount of people in one ER room move and do a specific job to get things ready without bumping into one another or having to wait for someone to get out of their way was amazing.  It was like perfection.  They all worked so well together to get the job done. Which was within no time at all. 

When the doctor came up to let me he was done he also told me that he had placed a stent due to the artery being 98% blocked.  He would be in for a few days and to be honest I can't remember anything else he told me .  It still feels like it is unreal.
As I think about it Dan could have dismissed his pain on Saturday like he did on Friday and there would have been a HUGE possibility that he wouldn't have woken up Sunday morning.  It truly would have lived up to it's name "The Widow Maker".  I think it is harder for Dan to grasp the reality that he is truly lucky to still have a today.  

It will be a long road to get where Dan should be and if we all get through the ups and downs of the different moods we will all be good.  In the meantime I will continue to pray for the strength to make it through all of the challenges that will be put forth me/us.  

World Wind of Life

"The world wind of life has hit us hard and fast and we are trying to slow it up somewhat.  While it had hit us we have welcomed a new grand daughter to our family.  Addison arrived Oct 16, 2013.  A beautiful healthy little girl that has stolen our hearts."  As I came back to write, I see that I started a post but saved it to come back to and well life happened.  I reread what I was writing and I can't think back to when I was typing that or what was happening.  Oh well, I do know that we do have our beautiful little sweet peanut.  Addison was baptized this past Sunday.  What a sweet, sweet human being.  

This was one of her first photos after being welcomed into the world.

This is three months later on her baptism. 

Even though I am not sure what was all happening and slowing down was going to be my main focus, I did manage to accomplish it.  

Different things at work have changed and I no longer have the feeling that I need to work so dang much trying to fill in for the open hours.  When I have off, I actually have off.  I love it.  Last week there were a few days that we had the grandbabies and those few days only involved them.  We sat back and played duplos, cars, read many stories, and even watched movies.  I found myself sitting back and feeling very relaxed.  It didn't matter that my house looked like it threw up. I was enjoying the little things in life and nothing else mattered.  Another important part that I have learned while "vegging" those couple days with the the kids...I learned all the parts of Madagascar that Ashton automatically laughs at.  What a laugh he has.  Quite contagious if I don't say so my self.  You can't help but laugh. Those are the simple things in life that you can never be to thankful for.  I have off Sat and Sun this week and I plan on once again enjoying the simple things and enjoying the slowness of life.  

Hope you are able to do the same.  If so, share with me what your favorite "simple" thing is that you enjoyed :) 

Til then, 

Peace out, 

~T